A Labor of Love

It’s taken me some weeks to feel comfortable to sit down and relive the 15 hours of labor. The initial experience took me much longer to process than I would have imagined. I was always so scared of childbirth and even had nightmares about the experience when I was younger. So it may not be too much of a surprise that no more than 2 years ago, I claimed that if I ever decided to have kids, I’d have an elective C-section. All that aside, when it came down to it, I wanted to feel this experience to it’s entirety. My passion for more natural healthcare overtook my fear of pain and lead me to pursue natural care with a midwife.

I knew right away I had made the right choice for us and I loved the wholesome approach to pregnancy and childbirth. Each month I became more and more confident in myself and learned of other mammas having their babies in safe environments outside of the norm. I absolutely loved the thought of not being in the hospital, especially since Covid had been so unpredictable and fully dictated protocols in the hospital. (Also I can’t think of anywhere I feel more frustrated and uncomfortable - hello bitter ER nurse)

So I leaned into my gut and started to pursue a birth that was more “me.” I found a midwife who lived only minutes from my home. My appointments with her were always affirming and encouraging, and I slowly began to envision myself doing this wild thing in the comfort of our own home.

Starting Labor—

My due date arrived. My mom was in town to help, and Colin had taken the days off surrounding to be available. I had an appointment with my midwife that morning and she offered to check me to see if things were starting to happen. I was 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and baby was at 0 station— sitting very low and in the optimal position.

2:30 that same afternoon, I sat down at our little dining table to work on some bills. My belly started to rumble and I got up to the restroom, two or three times. I felt like I was getting my period (just like the midwives had said), except the cramping only lasted for a few minutes. The gentle contractions lasted 20-30 seconds and were about 5 minutes apart. I texted my midwife and doula letting them know what was happening. I was too nervous to call it labor, and didn’t want to scare it away. So I quickly started picking up things around the house.

Colin and my mom jumped into cleaning mode as well. Mom started baking snacks, Colin folded the laundry. They told me to rest, so I tried. The energy suddenly changed to nervous excitement in our home. I tried to lay down and save my energy, but already didn’t feel comfortable laying down during contractions. I would lie on the couch in between contractions, but then shot up to sitting and leaning forward during the contractions. Pretty soon I grabbed my birth ball and switched to rocking back and forth, trying my best to lean into each contraction.

I kept updating my birth team, and by 6 ish my doula, Viergeni, wanted to head over. She showed up within an hour, and then it hit me, “Wow, okay, this is happening.”

The mood was light, and we sat around the living room together. I wasn’t really interested in chatting much and had my headphones on part of the time. I wanted to feel the contractions, and encourage them to come as much as possible. At this point, the waves weren’t too bad, but I still didn’t want to talk through them. Later on in the evening, my mother-in-law swung by for a bit and we sat together in our living room. She took our dog Estelle with her for the night, so we could focus on the task of getting the baby out.

Active Labor—

Contractions slowed and became irregular while we hung out together in the living room. Viergeni suggested at 9pm Colin and I go into our bedroom, turn out the lights, and get close. They kept telling me “What get’s the baby in, get’s the baby out!” So we went to our room for quiet time just us. And almost instantly, my contractions got super intense. I was a little shocked at first, and called for V to come and help me figure out how to get more comfortable. She showed me how to breath, breathing with me, and applied counter pressure, squeezing my hips. V showed Colin exactly how to do it too. From that point on, they were either taking turns applying counter pressure or both applying pressure to my hips and lower back of the remaining 5 hours before pushing.

Within the hour, my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart lasting 45 seconds-1 minute. The contractions had all been in my front and heavy in my pelvis. But at this point, the fiery sensations began wrapping around my stomach and grabbed my lower back. Colin called my midwife, Amy, to let her know where we were at, and she was at the house around 10pm.

As the midwives arrived, they immediately started getting the tub ready. I already really wanted to get in, but Amy was afraid it was too early to get in the water, as it might slow my progress. She suggested a shower, so that’s where I went. The shower was soothing and the hot water helped my tightening muscles relax in between contractions. Colin stood right there with me, applying pressure to my hips and standing by for moral support. After awhile, I felt overheated in the shower, so I did more work in the bedroom, trying hands and knees on the bed, sitting on my ball, but I was clearly past the point of being comfortable.
I started asking for the tub again, where I planned to give birth. Contractions were still 2 minutes apart and were so intense I was fighting tears in between each wave.

At this point, I believe it was more mental than anything. I wanted to get in the tub, because I knew that’s where I planned to have my baby. And being in the tub made the end feel that much closer. She felt so low and the pressure down south was starting to feel overwhelming. I wanted to start pushing.

I kept thinking someone would tell me when to push. And when they didn’t, I started whimpering that I really felt like I needed to push and proceeded to half-ass push (because I later found out what real pushing was like). Amy bent down and checked my progress while I relaxed in between contractions. 8cm dilated and a small “lip” of my cervix was in the way, blocking baby girl’s head from further descending. I was sad, but somehow expected that it wasn’t time. Amy confirmed that I wasn’t quite ready to push. Back to absorbing those contractions like a baseball bat to my back.

Transition—

It was during this point and only this point that I started to question if I’d be able to do this. I said those words out loud, just once. Amy immediately responded, “But Jenn, you ARE doing it. You’re already doing it.” That kept playing through my mind the rest of the night. I am doing this. I’m already doing it right now.

Another two hours of let’s be real, total agony. During these last hours of transition, there were several moments where I wanted to start crying. Crying out of pain, exhaustion, and the fear of the unknown. But I didn’t. I knew that if I did, I probably wouldn’t be able to gain control again, and I’d lose my two minutes to recover from each contraction. V held clary sage near my nose each time I started getting close to a break down. Somehow that helped me regain composure. It was such a mental game. I kept telling myself, this is just an insanely hard workout… just keep your head down and push through it. Also you’ll get to meet your baby at the end of this. The pain is for something…

So that stubborn little lip of my cervix didn’t want to get out of the way. I finally asked if there was anything else we could try after spending a couple hours in the water. I was sweating profusely and the water was making me feel hotter. It wasn’t absorbing the pain as I hoped and I really didn’t enjoy floating through the contractions. I wanted to brace myself. They helped me out of the water and I waddled to a birth stool set up in my room. Now when I say birth “stool” that’s being generous. It was more like a metal frame that I hung my legs over. But soon after sitting on that, I got a crazy urge to push and I just started doing it.

I wasn’t pushing correctly or in the right place. It took some time to get it right… not to mention Amy had to manually reach up and move that little lip of the cervix out of the way each contraction until baby girl’s head came down around it. If you’re thinking that sounds brutal, then you would be correct.

I was not mentally prepared for how intense pushing was going to be. And after hours of being in labor, what a physical challenge it was. I was pouring sweat, but so focused on what I had to do, I barely noticed any of the details around me. It wasn’t until weeks later, when I watched the video my mom took of the actual birth, that I realized how peaceful the whole experience was. In my mind, it was chaos as I tried to stay calm and grit through the pain. Outwardly, the room was dim, quiet, and confident.

4-3-21 at 5:03am— after 15 hours of laboring at home, baby girl finally decided to meet us. Her head popped, and then the rest of her followed quickly. With that first little cry, I felt such a huge relief and a feeling of shock that it was actually over; and that she knew how to live and breath and to just be alive from the second she entered this world. We had done it! Her and I had done something together so powerful, I still don’t have the words. I slumped into bed and she was placed on my chest. The hungry 7 lb, 11 oz little love latched immediately.

Baby girl and I stayed connected, taking one another in. We delayed clamping the chord until the placenta was birthed 30 minutes later (which felt like absolutely nothing after a baby btw). Although I could still feel the burn of everything that had just happened, I had minimal bleeding, and was able to rest somewhat comfortably in bed right away.

My body was beyond the point of sore and exhausted, but somehow the rest of the day was heaven. Colin climbed into bed and we took turns doing skin to skin with our newest little love. We stayed in bed for the rest of the day, soaking up all the newborn snuggles and quietly reflecting in awe the experience of what had just happened.